Thursday, July 24, 2003
The pits
Scream .......
Last night we had a power cut. The electricity company tell us it was due to lightning downing a power cable. Hmmm strange that.must have been a bolt out of the blue...blue sky that is. And how come the whole area was blacked out over the period of an hour and not all at once? huh? Explain that!
Anyway my little computer is no-longer a source of comfort, but now a decorative item (well ugly box) taking up part of my floor. It is back to writing by hand...eek what am I going to do without a spellchecker....help where is the dictionary and will I remember how to use it? I mean a dictionary is okay when you know how to spell a word, but have you ever attempted to find a word when you cannot spell the word?
Anyway everything is on hold until I get sorted...wish me luck and a win on the lottery.
Cry...and I had all my digi-photos on that computer and the new website I was building. Sob....
Last night we had a power cut. The electricity company tell us it was due to lightning downing a power cable. Hmmm strange that.must have been a bolt out of the blue...blue sky that is. And how come the whole area was blacked out over the period of an hour and not all at once? huh? Explain that!
Anyway my little computer is no-longer a source of comfort, but now a decorative item (well ugly box) taking up part of my floor. It is back to writing by hand...eek what am I going to do without a spellchecker....help where is the dictionary and will I remember how to use it? I mean a dictionary is okay when you know how to spell a word, but have you ever attempted to find a word when you cannot spell the word?
Anyway everything is on hold until I get sorted...wish me luck and a win on the lottery.
Cry...and I had all my digi-photos on that computer and the new website I was building. Sob....
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Religious Bangor
Bangor, Northern Ireland is one of the four places named in Ireland on the world map of 1300. The map is preserved in Hereford Cathedral.
Bangor is famous as being one of the most famous monasteries in Europe, during a time when few places were Christenised. The Abbey was founded in 558Ad by Saint Comgall (517- 602AD). The area was known as the valley of the angels due to its religious significance. From Bangor many missionaries went to Christianise Europe.
Bangor is famous as being one of the most famous monasteries in Europe, during a time when few places were Christenised. The Abbey was founded in 558Ad by Saint Comgall (517- 602AD). The area was known as the valley of the angels due to its religious significance. From Bangor many missionaries went to Christianise Europe.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Tuesday
Actually got the accounts finished for May and June. Just need to check over them now for errors. Even got most of the bank accounts to balance. Attempted to tidy up my desk. I can see wood in some places. The stacks of paperwork only come to the top of a ruler now. Wow I might even have a clean desk in a few days. Then of course I will have to start working on the July accounts.....assuming that there is not a lot of errors in May and June.
Worked some more on one of my web pages.....inserted some pictures and four words! lol
Where did the sun go? We have had some specks of rain ocassionally during the day. Still warm, very humid.
Worked some more on one of my web pages.....inserted some pictures and four words! lol
Where did the sun go? We have had some specks of rain ocassionally during the day. Still warm, very humid.
The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:
Why did God make mothers?
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say no to drugs and yes to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma! says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.! I'd get rid of that.
2.- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say no to drugs and yes to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma! says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.! I'd get rid of that.
2.- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
Monday, July 21, 2003
Catatude
Monday moans
Got into work on time for a change to find myself locked out. By the time I had roused someone up to let me in I had wasted a good half hours work. Sad that. lol
This afternoon some swines arrived into the office and ate all the biscuits I had pre-bought for the Wednesday meeting. They even ate the pringles. Now that is really sad.
But I don't want to leave you depressed so here is a joke to cheer you up.
A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a December
night in Brooklyn, and the police arrived just in time to collar the
burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag
full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.
"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.
"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get honest and reliable
help these days?"
...writ by rubin
This afternoon some swines arrived into the office and ate all the biscuits I had pre-bought for the Wednesday meeting. They even ate the pringles. Now that is really sad.
But I don't want to leave you depressed so here is a joke to cheer you up.
A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a December
night in Brooklyn, and the police arrived just in time to collar the
burglar, Morris Spiegel, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag
full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.
"Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
"What's an accomplice?" replied Morris.
"A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get honest and reliable
help these days?"
...writ by rubin
Sunday, July 20, 2003
When the dead are found.
This link is to a story about a soldiers search for his ancester, a 19 year old soldier who was lost at Gettysburg.
Apart from being an ancester of a friend the piece is well worth reading.
Apart from being an ancester of a friend the piece is well worth reading.
Saturday, July 19, 2003
Blessings on this fine machine,
Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk full shall be nor more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.
Anon
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk full shall be nor more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.
Anon
Friday, July 18, 2003
Friday
Yippe Friday.
More accountancy studying awaits over the weekend.
I still have to work out how to build a website using dreamweaver. (hey I can make page buttons)
The temperature has droppd from the lower 30's (c not f) and my feet are cold.
More accountancy studying awaits over the weekend.
I still have to work out how to build a website using dreamweaver. (hey I can make page buttons)
The temperature has droppd from the lower 30's (c not f) and my feet are cold.
Ban on e-mail in France
Do you know what a courriel is?
Do you care?
You do if you are French!
The French Culture Ministry last week announced a ban on the use of "e-mail" in all government ministries, documents, publications or Web sites.
E-mail is apparently an Engish word and the French purists want no English words in their language.
So say goodbye to e-mail and hello to courriel.......
...... sounds a bit like corral (which is a holding pen for animals).
Do you care?
You do if you are French!
The French Culture Ministry last week announced a ban on the use of "e-mail" in all government ministries, documents, publications or Web sites.
E-mail is apparently an Engish word and the French purists want no English words in their language.
So say goodbye to e-mail and hello to courriel.......
...... sounds a bit like corral (which is a holding pen for animals).
Thursday, July 17, 2003
What is that cat saying?
We all know that dogs are mans best friend, and that man is a cats best servant, which I suppose means that dogs are cats best fitness trainers.
Now you can read what your feline is meowing with a new palm sized translator called a 'Meowlingual' from the Japanse Toy maker, Takara Co.
No more excuses for not following the orders of the head of the house.
This device is soon to hit the shelves in the US.
Now you can read what your feline is meowing with a new palm sized translator called a 'Meowlingual' from the Japanse Toy maker, Takara Co.
No more excuses for not following the orders of the head of the house.
This device is soon to hit the shelves in the US.
Ancester of the Loch Ness Monster
Do you believe in the Loch Ness Monster?
Is it a relic left over from the time of the dinosaurs?
If so the waters of Loch Ness have thrown up another relic in the form of vertebrae from a marine dinosaur known as a plesiosaur.
The 'official' Nessie site
Nessie site This is a raw in your face site. I just loved the micro Nessie that chases after the mouse arrow, even if it seemed a bit slow. Links to webcams.
Is it a relic left over from the time of the dinosaurs?
If so the waters of Loch Ness have thrown up another relic in the form of vertebrae from a marine dinosaur known as a plesiosaur.
The 'official' Nessie site
Nessie site This is a raw in your face site. I just loved the micro Nessie that chases after the mouse arrow, even if it seemed a bit slow. Links to webcams.
Microsoft does it again.
The new Microsoft server 2003 hides a terrible flaw. The seemingly safer software allows hackers to seize control of a victim's Windows computer, steal data, delete files and read e-mails. Anyone with the software is urged to download a patch to plug the hole.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Skeleton
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.
I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's *too* late!"
I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's *too* late!"
Questions asked by Banff Park Tourists
1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing"signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and
paint the bottom."
Tourist: " Oh".
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and
paint the bottom."
Tourist: " Oh".
Monday, July 14, 2003
Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five
years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking
about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs
up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the
news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and
I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you
hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked!
The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"
hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five
years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking
about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs
up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the
news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and
I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you
hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked!
The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"
Blogger madness
Look at this it is Monday and I haven't posted since last Wednesday. When I didn't win the lottery I might add.
So what have I been doing in the missing days.
Apart from working hard to earn enough crumbs to pay the bank some of the money I owe, I have been trying to learn how to build a web. To put it mildly I am stuck. I have not the foggiest idea of how the programme called dreamweaver works. Never mind I have a sister who does. Oh Vicky!!!!
Mr Testeserone is on holiday and I get to look after the banqueting halls on top of my normal work. Plus the builders have arrived and scaffolding is going up all over the place. Then it was the 12th weekend. This means that the shops all close on Friday and don't open until Tuesday and guess who forgot to go shopping? That is correct, ME.
The noise of the band wold me up at 8 am and they were in the next village over from me! The air was so clear that it was possible to hear them walk from their start point until they met up with the other local bands in town. A walk of only 45 minutes, but it sounded more. BANG Bang whistle bang.
My favourite chinese restaurant was burned to the gound last week. Bummer, they were the only place around that went more for flavour than those horendous colours. We could only afford to go once a month but the food was yummy.
Nothing new has happened. The flowers are still blooming (got five large fragerant blooms on the old rose), and the veggie patch is providing all the veggies we need. It is a pity that there is a strawberry thief around, I guess I will just have to get up earlier than him if I want sunkissed strawberries. My cherry bush has not flowered this year, not has my lemon plant. Hopefully they will do so next year.
I have bought a number of flower seed packets and aim to have a garden with bright colours next year.
Until next time. Happy hunting.
So what have I been doing in the missing days.
Apart from working hard to earn enough crumbs to pay the bank some of the money I owe, I have been trying to learn how to build a web. To put it mildly I am stuck. I have not the foggiest idea of how the programme called dreamweaver works. Never mind I have a sister who does. Oh Vicky!!!!
Mr Testeserone is on holiday and I get to look after the banqueting halls on top of my normal work. Plus the builders have arrived and scaffolding is going up all over the place. Then it was the 12th weekend. This means that the shops all close on Friday and don't open until Tuesday and guess who forgot to go shopping? That is correct, ME.
The noise of the band wold me up at 8 am and they were in the next village over from me! The air was so clear that it was possible to hear them walk from their start point until they met up with the other local bands in town. A walk of only 45 minutes, but it sounded more. BANG Bang whistle bang.
My favourite chinese restaurant was burned to the gound last week. Bummer, they were the only place around that went more for flavour than those horendous colours. We could only afford to go once a month but the food was yummy.
Nothing new has happened. The flowers are still blooming (got five large fragerant blooms on the old rose), and the veggie patch is providing all the veggies we need. It is a pity that there is a strawberry thief around, I guess I will just have to get up earlier than him if I want sunkissed strawberries. My cherry bush has not flowered this year, not has my lemon plant. Hopefully they will do so next year.
I have bought a number of flower seed packets and aim to have a garden with bright colours next year.
Until next time. Happy hunting.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Lottery night
Tonight is Wednesday night. Fingers crossed that I win the lottery tonight. My brothers girlfriend is due to give birth any day now and I know just the present I would buy them. I will win, I will win.
I did win last week £10......at least I get a 10th of the £10 since there are ten people in the syndicate, but hey I't a good start.
Nick you still owe £2 for lottery not for this week or next week, but the week afters draw. I did the lottery for three weeks. If we win can I have your share? Or since you owe me £2 can I have 2% of your share???
I did win last week £10......at least I get a 10th of the £10 since there are ten people in the syndicate, but hey I't a good start.
Nick you still owe £2 for lottery not for this week or next week, but the week afters draw. I did the lottery for three weeks. If we win can I have your share? Or since you owe me £2 can I have 2% of your share???
September 11th Photgraph your life blog
September 11th Photograph your life blog:
On September 11th the above blog proposes that everyone takes pictures to show the world your life in your country. To quote
"It seems to me that this is NOT the United States I want the world to know. So I propose a blogwide Photoblog your Life day on September 11th. Take your camera with you. Take pictures. Show the world your life. Show the world your daily delights. Show the world that we choose life, happiness and freedom.
On September 11th, I'll be carrying my camera with me. I'll snap pictures of my day - the good, the bad, the mundane. And I'm gonna post them here for the world to see. Let's make September 11th a day of affirmation and life. "
On September 11th the above blog proposes that everyone takes pictures to show the world your life in your country. To quote
"It seems to me that this is NOT the United States I want the world to know. So I propose a blogwide Photoblog your Life day on September 11th. Take your camera with you. Take pictures. Show the world your life. Show the world your daily delights. Show the world that we choose life, happiness and freedom.
On September 11th, I'll be carrying my camera with me. I'll snap pictures of my day - the good, the bad, the mundane. And I'm gonna post them here for the world to see. Let's make September 11th a day of affirmation and life. "
To busy to write a blogg. Here are some jokes instead.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest dayof her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
....................................................................
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
..................................................................
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give
him the money now, will he let us go?"
.............................................................................
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words ona piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give
him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people
to collect all the money!"
..................................................................
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the
men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his
mother cooked.
....................................................................
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was live, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead.
......................................................
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup,"
...........................................................
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them
to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie re plied, "Because people are sleeping."
........................................
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
.........................................
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father
and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
.......................................................
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the
matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm
going to have a wife"
.................................................
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. It's probably just your dad."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
....................................................................
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
..................................................................
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give
him the money now, will he let us go?"
.............................................................................
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words ona piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give
him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people
to collect all the money!"
..................................................................
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the
men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his
mother cooked.
....................................................................
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was live, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead.
......................................................
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup,"
...........................................................
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them
to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie re plied, "Because people are sleeping."
........................................
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
.........................................
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father
and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
.......................................................
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the
matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm
going to have a wife"
.................................................
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. It's probably just your dad."
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Underwear
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she
asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her
list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know
which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered.
"If you smile, put them back."
asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her
list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know
which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered.
"If you smile, put them back."
An Atheist
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow
both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help
me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow
both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help
me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Monday, July 07, 2003
Back home after another hard days work.
The boss is back on Wednesday and I still have not got the accounts to a stage where I can print the Monthly report. Tomorrow, looks to be another busy day….the auditor starts back Tuesday as well. :-(
Today I spent my time trying to enter purchase invoices into the accounts programme and to get all the sales invoices up to date. Then there was the courtyard complex to keep an eye on. Today there was a photo-shoot for a bridal supplement. I do not mind being in the courtyard complex. The Victorian banqueting room with its large family portraits is quite cosy.
What I mind is the walk between the courtyard and my office. It is far enough that I could drive there rather than walk and there is ample parking. In sunny weather it is a lovely walk, past all the trees and cottages. In winter you get soaked and chilled. Then off course there is the fact that I am losing time I should be using to get the accounts prepared. Why a booking was taken for the complex when everyone is away on holidays I will never understand. Greed I suppose.
Everything shuts down in Northern Ireland during July holidays. At least all the manufacturing business does. The shops close less and less now. There are bands parading around, the circus arrives, and the fun fair with its large ‘dipper’ ride suddenly appears in the pier car-park.
The sun was still shining when I got home and I managed to snatch twenty minutes in the garden. I have mushrooms growing in the lawn and weeds winning the boarder battle. The vegetable patch is doing better. We have had home grown potatoes, peas and cauliflower this week, also strawberries and raspberries. Fortunately the caterpillars seem to have devastated the brussel-sprout patch.
I have not seen any ladybirds or lacewings in the garden this year. Around this time the aphids start eating everything the caterpillars have missed. You can buy the larva and I am seriously considering this option as a ‘green’ alternative to sprays. I do not really want pesticides on my vegetables.
What is your opinion on this? The comment link is on the bottom of the page.
Today I spent my time trying to enter purchase invoices into the accounts programme and to get all the sales invoices up to date. Then there was the courtyard complex to keep an eye on. Today there was a photo-shoot for a bridal supplement. I do not mind being in the courtyard complex. The Victorian banqueting room with its large family portraits is quite cosy.
What I mind is the walk between the courtyard and my office. It is far enough that I could drive there rather than walk and there is ample parking. In sunny weather it is a lovely walk, past all the trees and cottages. In winter you get soaked and chilled. Then off course there is the fact that I am losing time I should be using to get the accounts prepared. Why a booking was taken for the complex when everyone is away on holidays I will never understand. Greed I suppose.
Everything shuts down in Northern Ireland during July holidays. At least all the manufacturing business does. The shops close less and less now. There are bands parading around, the circus arrives, and the fun fair with its large ‘dipper’ ride suddenly appears in the pier car-park.
The sun was still shining when I got home and I managed to snatch twenty minutes in the garden. I have mushrooms growing in the lawn and weeds winning the boarder battle. The vegetable patch is doing better. We have had home grown potatoes, peas and cauliflower this week, also strawberries and raspberries. Fortunately the caterpillars seem to have devastated the brussel-sprout patch.
I have not seen any ladybirds or lacewings in the garden this year. Around this time the aphids start eating everything the caterpillars have missed. You can buy the larva and I am seriously considering this option as a ‘green’ alternative to sprays. I do not really want pesticides on my vegetables.
What is your opinion on this? The comment link is on the bottom of the page.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam
or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
applied at the job site.
N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in
your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the
job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe"
clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long
pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the
entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a
very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe"
painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to
specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will
flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do
not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam
or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
applied at the job site.
N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in
your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the
job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe"
clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long
pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the
entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a
very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe"
painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to
specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will
flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do
not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
Sunday lazing
Woke up this morning and the weather was good. Had breakfast in bed and then drove down to the marina. Walked along the pedestrian paths to the children’s play area. This has a mini ride train, and a boating pond. The pond is very small and shallow and the boats are in the shape of a swan. At the other end of the pond some retired men were playing. They had built model boats and were happily playing with them. I was most impressed with some of the fine detail of those machines. One boat even had a miniature map. Call me cruel or devilish but I always want to get a submarine and attack them from beneath.
Will spend the remainder of the day either online or studying. Perhaps even both.
Have a nice day.
Will spend the remainder of the day either online or studying. Perhaps even both.
Have a nice day.
Saturdays Endeavour
Here I am, recovering from Saturday.
After getting to bed sometime after midnight, when contrary to popular belief I did not turn into a pumpkin, I was up with the early birds and if not firing on all cylinders I was reasonably awake.
A quick dash around the supermarket had the trolley looking remarkably empty, as I bravely withstood the lure of fruit, vegetables and bread. Fortunately I remembered the cat food and so was able to hold my head up with pride as I was ambushed by the cat brigade on achieving entry to the house.
Frantically throwing the perishables into the fridge in a haphazard way, I was able to sleekly manoeuvre the car out of the driveway only five minutes after I was due at work.
I do not normally do overtime as giving up a free Saturday is not something I willingly undertake. Now if I got time and half things might be different, but an extra 15p is not an inducement.
My task, since I had chosen to undertake it, was to look after the Banqueting Hall whilst final pre-wedding set-up was achieved. The tables were set and only the final catering set-up and flowers were due. Not a lot to do, I would be able to sit down and get some studying done, have a bite of lunch sometime between twelve and one and be relieved by the evening crew around two.
Naturally things never go to plan. Oh I did get my books set out on a convenient table and I did manage to get the all the doors open to let in some fresh air to get rid of the stale alcohol smell.
My first visitors were people who wanted to book the halls. Excellent, I showed them around, took their booking and arranged for their payment to be sent the next day. Less than half an hour later another two cars pulled up to the door. It was the bride back again. This time she had brought the grooms parents. They didn’t seem too impressed, but they seemed content that their soon to be daughter-in-law was in good hands.
Not long after that another group arrived to see the hall. They showed interest in having the actual wedding on site as well as the reception. So being an accommodating person I showed them photographs of a wedding being held in the wedding garden and also the Frazer room. The Frazer room is the one with the bar, but it looks good with side panels and candelabras.
The musicians arrived next to set up. It was the same people as last week and I left them to set up. They had just reached the stage of testing their set-up when I queried that they had set-up in the correct area. You understand that I had not been told they were coming and had left them to automatically set up in the same place as last week. Imagine their face when it was discovered they had set up in the wrong place. What was worse was that one of them was a guest at the wedding. Poor man missed the ceremony and his wife or girlfriend was not in the least amused. It was a quick grab of the equipment to drag it up the hall and reset. The test, when they finally got again to that point, blew me off my feet. Not because it was great music, although to be honest it was nice, but because it was so LOUD.
The caterers arrived next with the crockery. Twenty heavy large plates in crates to be heaved into the kitchen. I guess if I lifted that weight every day I would not be in pain now from a pulled muscle. I must remember to arrange for a trolley for that area.
The flower arranger finally arrived. One lily and vase per table. Not my cup of tea, but it is what the bride and groom wanted. To my mind a white lily is something you have at a funeral, but since the bridge and groom had been together the day before the wedding I see that they do not believe in tradition.
I got everyone out of the halls for two, and un-wrapped my sandwich which I hoped to eat before the relief person turned up. Sigh, it is at this point the lady coming to view one of our vacant properties turned up with a friend. My sandwich went back into its packet; I locked up and took them to look at the flat which is in a different part of the estate. After a slow precession up the flight of stairs we toured the flat. The flat is one bedroom with a kitchen cum dining/living room. The previous tenant has mostly moved out, but it needs a bit of tidying before we can truly show it to prospective tenants.
Now if only this lady had turned up at the agreed time and not two hours later I would not have had to rush her through the tour and the relief crew would not have been frantically phoning around in an attempt to find me. By the time I got back to the halls to let them in they had passed beyond the stage of panic into that calm that you find in the eye of a storm. The panic being that guests would arrive before the doors were unlocked.
I got them settled in, regurgitated all the information I had been left with and made my mad getaway back to the cool comfort of my own house. If anyone else had stood between me and my lunch I would have run them down,
Back home and the lack of sleep, coupled with a frantic six hours of work and no food, caught up with me. So did a migraine and I spent the next six hours in a darkened room until I finally gave in and took some migraine tablets.
What a waste of a day.
After getting to bed sometime after midnight, when contrary to popular belief I did not turn into a pumpkin, I was up with the early birds and if not firing on all cylinders I was reasonably awake.
A quick dash around the supermarket had the trolley looking remarkably empty, as I bravely withstood the lure of fruit, vegetables and bread. Fortunately I remembered the cat food and so was able to hold my head up with pride as I was ambushed by the cat brigade on achieving entry to the house.
Frantically throwing the perishables into the fridge in a haphazard way, I was able to sleekly manoeuvre the car out of the driveway only five minutes after I was due at work.
I do not normally do overtime as giving up a free Saturday is not something I willingly undertake. Now if I got time and half things might be different, but an extra 15p is not an inducement.
My task, since I had chosen to undertake it, was to look after the Banqueting Hall whilst final pre-wedding set-up was achieved. The tables were set and only the final catering set-up and flowers were due. Not a lot to do, I would be able to sit down and get some studying done, have a bite of lunch sometime between twelve and one and be relieved by the evening crew around two.
Naturally things never go to plan. Oh I did get my books set out on a convenient table and I did manage to get the all the doors open to let in some fresh air to get rid of the stale alcohol smell.
My first visitors were people who wanted to book the halls. Excellent, I showed them around, took their booking and arranged for their payment to be sent the next day. Less than half an hour later another two cars pulled up to the door. It was the bride back again. This time she had brought the grooms parents. They didn’t seem too impressed, but they seemed content that their soon to be daughter-in-law was in good hands.
Not long after that another group arrived to see the hall. They showed interest in having the actual wedding on site as well as the reception. So being an accommodating person I showed them photographs of a wedding being held in the wedding garden and also the Frazer room. The Frazer room is the one with the bar, but it looks good with side panels and candelabras.
The musicians arrived next to set up. It was the same people as last week and I left them to set up. They had just reached the stage of testing their set-up when I queried that they had set-up in the correct area. You understand that I had not been told they were coming and had left them to automatically set up in the same place as last week. Imagine their face when it was discovered they had set up in the wrong place. What was worse was that one of them was a guest at the wedding. Poor man missed the ceremony and his wife or girlfriend was not in the least amused. It was a quick grab of the equipment to drag it up the hall and reset. The test, when they finally got again to that point, blew me off my feet. Not because it was great music, although to be honest it was nice, but because it was so LOUD.
The caterers arrived next with the crockery. Twenty heavy large plates in crates to be heaved into the kitchen. I guess if I lifted that weight every day I would not be in pain now from a pulled muscle. I must remember to arrange for a trolley for that area.
The flower arranger finally arrived. One lily and vase per table. Not my cup of tea, but it is what the bride and groom wanted. To my mind a white lily is something you have at a funeral, but since the bridge and groom had been together the day before the wedding I see that they do not believe in tradition.
I got everyone out of the halls for two, and un-wrapped my sandwich which I hoped to eat before the relief person turned up. Sigh, it is at this point the lady coming to view one of our vacant properties turned up with a friend. My sandwich went back into its packet; I locked up and took them to look at the flat which is in a different part of the estate. After a slow precession up the flight of stairs we toured the flat. The flat is one bedroom with a kitchen cum dining/living room. The previous tenant has mostly moved out, but it needs a bit of tidying before we can truly show it to prospective tenants.
Now if only this lady had turned up at the agreed time and not two hours later I would not have had to rush her through the tour and the relief crew would not have been frantically phoning around in an attempt to find me. By the time I got back to the halls to let them in they had passed beyond the stage of panic into that calm that you find in the eye of a storm. The panic being that guests would arrive before the doors were unlocked.
I got them settled in, regurgitated all the information I had been left with and made my mad getaway back to the cool comfort of my own house. If anyone else had stood between me and my lunch I would have run them down,
Back home and the lack of sleep, coupled with a frantic six hours of work and no food, caught up with me. So did a migraine and I spent the next six hours in a darkened room until I finally gave in and took some migraine tablets.
What a waste of a day.
Friday, July 04, 2003
Fridays girl
Here I am, Friday night and almost ready to go out. You would think I would be pleased at the opportunity to let my hair down? Unfortunately when my phone rang to night and I was asked if I would like to go out I made the mistake of saying yes. It is my own fault. I should have checked exactly what the evening entailed before committing myself. So here I am, on a Friday night, getting changed into old jeans etc. Instead of a candlelit dinner I will have terrorising mini-relatives to look after. I really think that at this stage in our evolution someone should have come up with a manual on kid, especially growing kids who are almost as tall as their aunt.
To start your weekend of to a good start here is an amusing tale which is doing the rounds at my work.
An automobile transport trucker's headlights went out.
So he stopped on the side of the road, climbed onto the trailer, turned
on the lights of the front car, returned to the cab of the truck, and
continued driving. A few miles down the road, an approaching car swerved
suddenly and ran off the road into a ditch. The trucker pulled off the
road, stopped, and went over to the car to see if he could help. "Why
did you swerve off the road?" he asked the car's driver. The driver
replied, "Well, I figured that if you were as wide as you were tall, I'd
never get past!"
To start your weekend of to a good start here is an amusing tale which is doing the rounds at my work.
An automobile transport trucker's headlights went out.
So he stopped on the side of the road, climbed onto the trailer, turned
on the lights of the front car, returned to the cab of the truck, and
continued driving. A few miles down the road, an approaching car swerved
suddenly and ran off the road into a ditch. The trucker pulled off the
road, stopped, and went over to the car to see if he could help. "Why
did you swerve off the road?" he asked the car's driver. The driver
replied, "Well, I figured that if you were as wide as you were tall, I'd
never get past!"
What happened to Thursday?
Oops forgot to post a blogg last night.
My excuse is that I was working on my new web site and I plumb forgot.
The rain stayed away yesterday and through my newly washed windows I could see clear sky shining down on the roof just outside my window. Having a roof beside a window can be fun. Especially during the summer when birds come to look at a human in a cage.
Have a great 4th of July. It is not a celebration that is celebrated here. Excluding the fact it is one war we lost, we have never forgiven the Bostons for ruining the tea and that still breaks the heart of tea connoisseurs around the world.
My excuse is that I was working on my new web site and I plumb forgot.
The rain stayed away yesterday and through my newly washed windows I could see clear sky shining down on the roof just outside my window. Having a roof beside a window can be fun. Especially during the summer when birds come to look at a human in a cage.
Have a great 4th of July. It is not a celebration that is celebrated here. Excluding the fact it is one war we lost, we have never forgiven the Bostons for ruining the tea and that still breaks the heart of tea connoisseurs around the world.
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
The second Buffalo Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tech Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are some conversations, from Microsoft's Help Desk, which had
actually taken place between customer support people and their
customers:
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What
does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done upuntil this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."
---------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the
update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
---------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech
Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
---------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech
Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You
need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through." Tech Support: "No, ma'am.
It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with
me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
store."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
---------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
---------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
---------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
---------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
---------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
Susie
Tech Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are some conversations, from Microsoft's Help Desk, which had
actually taken place between customer support people and their
customers:
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What
does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done upuntil this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."
---------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the
update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
---------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech
Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
---------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech
Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You
need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through." Tech Support: "No, ma'am.
It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with
me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
store."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
---------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
---------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
---------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
---------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
---------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
Susie
The bosses are away and that means I am not having to work, work, work. This in turn means I am not coming home mega-tired and can devote my time to reading e-mails and all those clean jokes I'm sent. Here are a couple from subscribe to Buffalos-G-Jokes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clinton Security Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our
minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten
up just a bit.
Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that
contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be
stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you,
but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no
longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will
be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea
and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways
without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required
to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is .
. . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no
longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as
www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to
all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will
no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop
computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving
them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has
promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts
of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend
projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping
the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for
"recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made
for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you
posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar
alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during
working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must
enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in
late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many
of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national
secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 32
1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely,
Bill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clinton Security Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our
minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten
up just a bit.
Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that
contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be
stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you,
but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no
longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will
be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea
and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways
without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required
to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is .
. . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no
longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as
www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to
all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will
no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop
computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving
them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has
promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts
of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend
projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping
the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for
"recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made
for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you
posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar
alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during
working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must
enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in
late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many
of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national
secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 32
1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely,
Bill
England and Wales 1901 Cencus
timeline
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Alchoholcic unfluence
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inchol Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had twelve bottles of whisky in my cellar, and my wife told me to
drain the contents down the sink "or else!" So I said I would and
proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents into
the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted
the cork from the second bottle and likewise, with the exception of the
one glass I drank. I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and
emptied my good old booze down the drain, with the exception of one
glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork out from the fourth sink
and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I then pulled the
bottle from the cork of the next and rank one sink of it, and threw the
rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured
the cork down the bottle. I then pulled the next cork from my throat and
poured the sink down the bottle and drank the glass. Then I corked the
sink with the glass, bottled the sink, and drank the pour. When I had
everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand and counted the
bottles and corks and glasses with the other which were 29. To be sure
I counted them again when they came by and I had 74, and as the house
came by I counted them again.
Finally I had all the houses and the bottles and corks and glasses
counted except for the one house and one bottle which I drank. I am not
under the alcofluence of inchol, as some thinkle peep I am, nor am I
half so think as they drunk I am, but I fool so feelish I don't know who
is me, and the drunker I stand the lonegr I get, dog gammit!
Inchol Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had twelve bottles of whisky in my cellar, and my wife told me to
drain the contents down the sink "or else!" So I said I would and
proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents into
the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted
the cork from the second bottle and likewise, with the exception of the
one glass I drank. I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and
emptied my good old booze down the drain, with the exception of one
glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork out from the fourth sink
and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I then pulled the
bottle from the cork of the next and rank one sink of it, and threw the
rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured
the cork down the bottle. I then pulled the next cork from my throat and
poured the sink down the bottle and drank the glass. Then I corked the
sink with the glass, bottled the sink, and drank the pour. When I had
everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand and counted the
bottles and corks and glasses with the other which were 29. To be sure
I counted them again when they came by and I had 74, and as the house
came by I counted them again.
Finally I had all the houses and the bottles and corks and glasses
counted except for the one house and one bottle which I drank. I am not
under the alcofluence of inchol, as some thinkle peep I am, nor am I
half so think as they drunk I am, but I fool so feelish I don't know who
is me, and the drunker I stand the lonegr I get, dog gammit!
The moon and dinosaurs
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although
measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you
can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth
at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would
explain the death of the dinosaurs ...the tallest ones, anyway.......
measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you
can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth
at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would
explain the death of the dinosaurs ...the tallest ones, anyway.......
GOD'S THOUGHTS ON LAWNS
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on that planet Earth? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, LORD. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do
these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, LORD. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other
plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, LORD. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, LORD. Most of them rake it p and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this LORD. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect
the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, LORD. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the
leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber,' Lord. It's a real stupid movie about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, LORD. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do
these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, LORD. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other
plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, LORD. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, LORD. Most of them rake it p and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this LORD. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect
the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, LORD. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the
leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber,' Lord. It's a real stupid movie about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.
Fake Bronze and Counterfeit Money
What goes around comes around.
Don’t you just love it when the bad guys lose? In this case a Vietnamese man sold ‘black bronze’ to some men from Ho Chi Minh City. Black bronze is normally used to make jewellery and statues.
Unfortunately for the business men they did not get what they expected. The ‘black bronze’ was nothing but a lump of iron disguised to look like black bronze with cow fat and paint.
The creator of the ‘black bronze, also did not get what he expected. The money paid for the bronze was counterfeit.
Now both parties have been arrested and wait trial. Counterfeiting has a maximum penalty of death by firing squad.
Don’t you just love it when the bad guys lose? In this case a Vietnamese man sold ‘black bronze’ to some men from Ho Chi Minh City. Black bronze is normally used to make jewellery and statues.
Unfortunately for the business men they did not get what they expected. The ‘black bronze’ was nothing but a lump of iron disguised to look like black bronze with cow fat and paint.
The creator of the ‘black bronze, also did not get what he expected. The money paid for the bronze was counterfeit.
Now both parties have been arrested and wait trial. Counterfeiting has a maximum penalty of death by firing squad.
Fat Children and soda
A new research in the US has said that sweet drinks including bottled teas and fruit drinks are one of the causes of fat children.
Duh, anyone could have told them that without going to the expense of researching it. If your calorie intake is higher than the calories your body burns, then off course the odds are that you are going to get fat.
Now I know that the drinks companies are going to suggest that it is the lack of exercise that is causing the increase in obesity of children. Well in a way they are correct. Some exercises do increase the amount of calories burned.
So I ask, are children expected to increase the amount of exercise they do because they are consuming more sweet drinks?
Did the research confirm that a child, getting normal exercise and eating a healthy diet, did not put on weight?
Did the research confirm that this same child, getting a normal exercise and eating a healthy diet, plus drinking a sweet drink, put on weight?
Duh, anyone could have told them that without going to the expense of researching it. If your calorie intake is higher than the calories your body burns, then off course the odds are that you are going to get fat.
Now I know that the drinks companies are going to suggest that it is the lack of exercise that is causing the increase in obesity of children. Well in a way they are correct. Some exercises do increase the amount of calories burned.
So I ask, are children expected to increase the amount of exercise they do because they are consuming more sweet drinks?
Did the research confirm that a child, getting normal exercise and eating a healthy diet, did not put on weight?
Did the research confirm that this same child, getting a normal exercise and eating a healthy diet, plus drinking a sweet drink, put on weight?
