Weyrlings

Miss Figpot looked over her third grade class and happened to notice
Billy and Little Johnny giggling and talking during her lesson.

"Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if you
can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her face. "What
is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that has just given
birth?"

There was a moment of silence, then Little Johnny started giggling.

"You think it's funny Johnny? You know the answer?" growled Miss Figpot.

"Umm...yeah!" Johnny replied.

"Well, let's hear it."

"You would call her 'de-calfenated'!"

If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!

If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my
brakes and sue you.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

Don't make me mad - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to
shoot it.

I brake for tailgaters. Hard.

If you can read this, you are in phaser range.

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).

My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.

Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold on!

Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and
one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this
country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we are going live in
America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot
dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs,
please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the
companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at
it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that
the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home,
rattle the d oor knob vigorously, fake a growl, and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO
expensive."

Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter
her ashes."

Painting:
Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say,
"Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quart cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cup soft water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh: "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today.

They are demanding to make less money!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you not IN a movie, but your ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

and finally...

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do you ever wonder?

A blonde named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one
lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the
first ever Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it
wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is
it........

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush.

"Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.

Barbara: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....No, I
haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis just to be sure."

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn." (ringing)

Carol (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on
$500,000, but needs your help to a Million. The next voice you hear will
be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible
answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire
away Barbara."

Barbara: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own
nest?

Is it:

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

Carol: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....Its a Cuckoo.

Barbara: "You think?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Carol." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the
Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Carol's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo... you're
right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You
have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put
your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Carol and brings her down to a local
bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne,
Barbara turns to Carol and asks "Tell me Carol, How did you know that it
was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Carol: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his
house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing
in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the
front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door
to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A
lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one
wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and
the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In
the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the
table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly
headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,
looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something
serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled
in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him,
smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and
asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You
know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the
world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered,
"Well, today I didn't do it."

Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at our local hospital was asked to
vote
on adding a new wing, this is what happened....

The allergists voted to scratch it..
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it anyway.

He's teaching her arithmetic
He said it was his mission ,
he kissed her once, he kissed her twice
and said now that's addition ,
And as he added smack by smack
in silent satisfaction ,
She sweetly kissed him back
and said now that's subtraction ,
Then he kissed her 'n she kissed him
without an explanation ,
and both together smiled and said
that's multiplication ,
then dad arrived upon the scene
and made a quick decision ,
he kicked the kid three blocks away
and said that's long division .

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk
the skunk stunk.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a
peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled
peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Betty Botter had some butter, But," she said, "this butter's bitter. If
I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of
better
butter-- that would make my batter better." So she bought a bit of
butter, better than her bitter butter, and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter. So it was better Betty Botter bought a
bit of better butter.

Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.

A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed
blood.

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore. The shells she sells are surely
seashells. So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells
seashore shells.

Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised. Someone should show
Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."

Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.

Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.

A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said
the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?

Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter
better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern,
bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said "I'm a bitter biter bit,
alack!"

Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen
See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see
Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!

The boot black bought the black boot back.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as
a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

We surely shall see the sun shine soon.

Which witch wished which wicked wish?

Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep
Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn't sleep in
a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.

If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?

Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.

Six sharp smart sharks.

What a shame such a shapely sash should such shabby stitches show.

Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.

Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps.

I'm not a pheasant plucker I'm a pheasant plucker's son I'm only
plucking pheasants Till a pheasant plucker comes

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze
is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is
broken.

Technical Support calls "YOU" for help.

Someone at work tells you a joke & you say LOL
out loud.

You keep begging your friends to get an account so
"we can hang out".

You've to get a 2nd phone-line so you can call Pizza Hut.

You don't know where the time has gone.

Your husband now complains of you moving your fingers
in your sleep instead of talking.

Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in
the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

You find yourself lying about your time online.

You'd rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are
from partying 2 much than the truth - online all night.

Your dog leaves you. Your partner threatens to...

You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet
some folks face-to-face.

You have a map on the wall with lots of red pins
to mark where people are you have met.

You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the
computer for more than a few hours.

You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do
is get online before you've your first cup of coffee.
What else do you do while waiting on the coffee?

Your relationship online has gone farther than
any real one you have had.

You get up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom but
turn on the computer instead.

You stop typing whole words and use things like
brb, dunno and :-)

You type faster than you think.

You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

You dream in "text" with some graphics

You double click your TV remote.

You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail.

You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner
because you wanted to "check your mail".