Weyrlings

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and
Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a
dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his
cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and
by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must
have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo
Derek and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by
mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
knock the heck out of Clinton again."

To: All EMS Personnel
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and
abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or
HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like
"negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration
syndrome."

4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD
(circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing
records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
pati ents to include their medical orientations in creating proper
narratives and log entries.