Weyrlings

The commanding officer was furious when nine GIs who had been out on
passes failed to show up for morning roll call.

Not until 7 p.m. did the first man straggle in. "I'm sorry, sir," the
soldier explained, "but I had a date and lost track of time, and I
missed the bus back. Being determined to get in on time, I hired a cab.
Halfway here, the cab broke down. I went to a farmhouse and persuaded
the farmer to sell me a horse. I was riding to camp when the animal fell
dead. I walked the last ten miles, and just got here." Though skeptical,
the colonel let the young man off with a reprimand. However, after him,
seven other stragglers in a row came in with the same story--had a date,
missed the bus, hired a cab, bought a horse, etc. By the time the ninth
man reported in, the colonel had grown weary of it. "Okay," he growled,
"now what happened to YOU?" "Sir, I had this date and missed the bus
back, so I hired a cab..." "Wait!" the colonel screeched at him. "Don't
tell me the cab broke down." "No, sir," replied the soldier. "The cab
didn't break down. It was just that there were so many dead horses in
the road, we had trouble getting through."

NASA has lost touch with the first Mars Rover; it's responding to pings,
but they can't get any telemetry back. I think I know what's happened:
the onboard computer has gotten confused and decided all its images are
underexposed, so it's diverted power to charging the capacitor for its
spotlight. You see, the Spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

Rita

(Personally I think that they should throw a stick. Then Rover will come back)

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the
traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy
and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to
six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've
got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and
killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers." So the next day
he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to
make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and
they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called
everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own damned sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Hell, yes, put up your own sign." He was going to
let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling.
Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmer's last call, the sheriff decided to call
him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, hell yes. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got
to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff though to
himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign...
There might be something there that WE could use to slow down
drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It
was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were
the
words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and
one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one of them would have to leave, because otherwise they
were all going to fall.
They weren't able to decide who would be the one to leave, until the
woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or
for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices-expecting
ittle in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their
hands.......

regards Rita

Old Christmas is past but since I have just been sent this you get to try it pre-Christmas..Christmas 2004 that is. Lap it up.


On the 12th day of Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival my significant other in a consenting, adult, monogamous, relationship gave to me:

Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.

Eleven pipers piping (plus an 18 member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract, even though they will not be asked to play a note.)

Ten melanin deprived testosterone poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping.

Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression.

Eight economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved bovine Americans.

Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands.

Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.

Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration.(After members off the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

Four hours of recorded whale songs.

Three deconstructionist poets.

Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and

One Spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Good Kwanzaa,, Blessed Yule, and Happy Holidays*

*unless you are suffering from seasonally affected disorder(SAD). If this is the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with the suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 people 15 every minutes. Vocal Dyslexia it's called. An elment I've been lifing all my fight. It can warn without striking and has no regard for case, read, or crolor.

Symptoms:
~ speechaled garb
~ backs coming out wordward
~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together

The victims: innocent people like you and pe

Sadly, Vocal Dyslexia is wilding liek spreadfire and there is no cureful symp, butthere is hope. The dyslexia foundation has recommended these things 3:

3rd: at the first trub of signale phonsult a confition
2nd: stay in bed and drink flenty of pluids
1st: read as can as you much

For more information write: 999 Teenfifth Street, Grand Mapids, Ricaghan

Thank you muchy ver.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads
for dating are already married.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork
than by a poisonous spider.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its
right side when intoxicated.