Weyrlings

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a
maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself,
"He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three
large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband
seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her
promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more her hands upon it,
smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!! Are you smiling??

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests
shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was
treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is
Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a
wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out
of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"


Yes, I'm the chip monk."

Many thanks to all who brighten up my days. Especially now that the North wind blows and (to put it mildly) its is B***** Cold. Love you all.

Happy Birthday Dad, hope you like your off-road driving voucher. The Corr Brothers have a wonderfull off road track at Clandeboye, and since I have drove it can fully recommend it.

If you want to know more about the Off-Road Driving at Clandeboye (Land Rover Experience) drop me a line and I'll pass it on. Alternatively ring them direct and mention that you heard about it from me. Oops haven't got the number on me (should know it by now since I keep giving it out) so I will add the number tomorrow with their approval. Off course I might forget, since my brain has shrunk to the size of a grape after watching Mr Darcy dive into that lake! (All girls with get that reference. lol)

This was in my e-mail box this morning. I don't know about you, but I can relate to it. LOL R

I don't want to do the dishes,
I don't want to do the wash,
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!



I don't wanna clean the pots,
I don't wanna rattle pans,
I wanna read my e-mail,
And chat with all my friends!



The table needs some dusting
and the floor could sure be mopped,
But I know if I get started
There'll be no place to stop.



The closets are so full
Things are falling off the shelves,
I wish for cleaning fairies
And magic laundry elves!



They could sprinkle fairy dust
And twitch their little nose,
And the windows would be sparkling
And I'd have no dirty clothes.



I don't know what I'm saying,
My head is in the sky,
I must cook that meat that's graying
And bake that apple pie!



My husband needs a flea bath,
The dog needs some attention...
Oh, the other way around I mean!
My brain is in suspension!





I am running round in circles,
I am getting nothing done,
I keep thinking of the internet,
I'm missing all the fun!



I know I'm not addicted
Though I hear that all the time,
But I guess this stuff will have to wait,
Cause today I'll be ON LINE!!!

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and leaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend 1/2 an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions;
he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquillisers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance,
but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

C.Neal (Buffalos chips see elsewhere to sign up)

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Dogs are a man's best friend.

Now you know which gender is smarter.

What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data

CPU prayer: Forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive those whose logic
circuits are faulty. Lead us not into frustration and deliver us from
power surges. Blessed be the giver of data, Patron of the data
distressed.

What is an astronaut's favourite key on a computer keyboard? The space
bar

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk

To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

My computer is never sick--it practices safe "hex."

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat

What is a computer virus:
A terminal illness

How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cathedral?
He clicked on an icon and opened a window

How was God able to make the universe in only 6 days?
He didn't do any documentation

Boldly going nowhere

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

How many roads must a man travel down
before he admits he is lost?

Money Isn't Everything...
But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Ever stop to think,
and forget to start again?

All Men Are Animals,
Some Just Make Better Pets

I used to have a handle on life,
but it broke.

IRS We've got what it takes to
take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off now.

Where there's a will...
I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps.

Always remember you're unique...
Just like everyone else..

Dianne

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck darkness. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark
Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So as with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
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.oooO
( ) Oooo.
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\_ ) ) /
From: Ann Lindholm (_ / AKA: Doubloon (<------don't you just love the feet)

I spotted the Dark Suckers at Buffalos jokes. To subscribe for the daily joke e-mail send a blank e-mail to

Buffalos-G-Jokes-subscribe@egroups.com
or visit http://groups.yahoo.com/group/buffalos-g-jokes/

A golfer goes, whack!..."damn!"

a skydiver goes, "damn!"... whack!