Weyrlings

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern
when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture.
Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

A physician visited a California mental institution and asked a
patient, "How did you get here? What is the nature of your illness?"
He got this reply: "It started when I got married and I guess I
should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown
daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
"My Daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely
stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my
stepmother."
"Soon my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's
brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my step-daughter, who is
now, of course, my daddy's wife. So as I told you, when stepdaughter
married my daddy, she was at once, my stepmother. Now since my new son
is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.
"As you know, my wife is my step grand-mother since she is my
stepmother's mother. (Don't forget that my step-mother is my
stepdaughter.) Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
"But hold on just a few minutes more. you see, since I'm married
to my step grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby,
but I am also my own grandfather. "Now can you understand how I got put
in this place?"

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-
assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a beautiful
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the
young man that I am. Then, my dear, we can marry and live in yon castle
with my mother, where you can bear my children and serve me for the rest
of your life, and feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined on sautéed frog legs in a white
wine sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:

"I don't think so."

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.

With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six
days.
Eventually Michael, The Archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh
day. He
inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through
the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call
it
Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to the different parts of Earth, "For example,
northern Europewill be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be
a
hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of mostly white people,
while here is a continent of predominantly black people." God continued,
pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and
arid,
while this one will be very very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land
mass
and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth.
There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. People from
Michigan
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous; they are going to be
found
traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard-working and
high
achieving; and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God replied wisely, "Ah, Michael, Just wait until you see the idiots I'm
putting around them in Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin. & Canada."

This is a good one.

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him
to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and
ask
him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the
police
radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a
block
away.

The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back
and
they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
might
come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that
he is
in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
asks
why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.
She
opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all
its
lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

Peggy

The Drivers

My Father (Dad)

Sporting a slightly fragile head after watching the Irish rugby team win their Saturday game, and exactly one month after my fathers 64th birthday, we finally got him to Clandeboye for his off-road driving day.

Carefully organised not to coincide with any major sporting event, he had sprung a nasty surprise:- there were in fact two events he would like to see, rugby and motor racing. The result of the later was a foregone conclusion (who has won every race for the last few years? Yawn) and the former was resolved with the forceful insertion of a tape into the video player.

My Sister (Vicky)

Graphic Design artist of the year (she wishes), this lady had to do some tight negotiations to be able to join the ride. With a draw in the battle of the babysitters, my brother was left in charge of her two small children in the understanding that she would baby-sit that evening. (Amazing what happens when the elder sister get involved…..especially if she does not want to baby-sit!!!)

The Passenger (I)

Me! The instigator of this exhibition into the wilds of Clandeboye, the person whose wallet is now lighter than ever. The sneaky person who is (hopefully) planting seeds into the minds of family members about what she wants for her birthday in June. Need I say more?

The Instructor (Walter)

Mister patience himself, Walter is an experienced driving instructor whose witty repartee kept the whole day very light despite the rain. We hope that he has learnt his lesson about coffee. Coffee, rain, water obstacle, lake, puddles, water dripping from trees …are you getting my drift?

The Briefing

The initial briefing (with some very good coffee) went reasonably well. Starting with a well-aimed dig about the roll ability of ancient Land Rovers shown on certain unnamed TV programme, Walter got on his soapbox and entertained his avid listeners with a discourse on how TV can make you believe anything. There was no argument from my corner, but I did notice the graphic designer shrink slightly.

Following that Walter got down to the serious business about safety and how the machines computer systems work. Something about braking, wheel spinning etc. (Hey! I am a woman and not interested in that sort of thing. If it drives that is great, if it does not I call a man. Besides, my sister was signing me information on a new beau and you know how important that is.) There were some nice diagrams and arrows showing the sharing of power to the wheels.

After much interruption, including remarks such as ‘I courted your mother in a land rover’ or vague comments about HGV’s, Walter was finally able to complete his briefing and allow us out into the rain to look at the vehicle he was going to let us drive. (He did give us huge umbrellas to stand under.)

The Professional

With the instructor in the drivers seat and the almost birthday boy in the passenger seat it was up to the two fearless females to scramble into the back seats. Scramble is the key word here as it is a long way up from the ground. (Not as high as an HGV!)

First stop was at the sawmill where strategic banking allow the soon to be drivers to see how the suspension works…what we saw was a vehicle that looked as if it was balanced on two diagonal wheels with the alternative front and rear wheel reaching for the ground. This is useful to know considering the rough terrain we were going on. It certainly smoothes out the journey.

We left the sawmill behind and, with warnings ringing in our ears from the driver that we were not to damage the vehicle or he would not be able to get home, we set of into the untamed wilderness that is the designated off-road track.

The First Student

After a driving demonstration around the course, which also included a botany lesson and history lesson the instructor gave the vehicle up to my dad. Confident in his ability to drive a 40-foot HGV, and recalling (again) his youthful activities in a Land Rover, he anticipated no difficulty in negotiating the difficult terrain before him. He did very well and despite an inclination to correct his instructor (Dad -‘we are not going to make that turn.’ Walter -‘Yes you are’, Dad -‘No we are not’…etc), stalling on at least one occasion and using the accelerator on a steep down slope (Dad - ‘Did Not!’), I think he enjoyed himself. The sun even came out and dripped golden sundrops from the trees.

We even got to see swans and pheasants. Not as many pheasants as you might think as we saw a couple of them a few times, as we went around the track. One of them was obviously looking for an acting job and he colourfully strutted his stuff by the track, posed on top of a log depending on which time we drove past! Despite a careful look out, we did not see any deer or red squirrels. They were obviously somewhere warm and dry waiting out the rain. We drove along some of my favourite walks, past beech clumps and flowering shrubs. It was lovely.

The Novice

Ms Speed Demon was next. Utterly terrified after sitting in the back seat Vicky was persuaded into the drivers seat without much effort. After a few minutes, she got into the swing of things and totally enjoyed herself, even daring to defy gravity over the Hill of Faith. Okay so I have just made that name up, but it is a test of courage. From the top of the hill, the road that apparently just ends at the summit. Do you trust your driver when he says that the road continues?

Ms Speedy did quite well for a first attempt (Darn), only managing to get the vehicle stuck once. Walter must have been waiting for this opportunity because he promptly demonstrated another feature of the Land Rover…it goes backwards! To be honest I cannot remember what he was demonstrating as I was distracted due to an urge to find a tree large enough to visit.

The water feature is a must:- down a steep slope and into the water, not too slow in case we stall, and not too fast. The bow wave at the front of the vehicle was amazing. Apparently, the force of the moving water in the bow wave pulls the water away from the sides of the vehicle. Despite that I would not have wanted to stall, the slapping of the water on the underside of the vehicle did not bode well for anyone needing to open a door. We were allowed through the water feature a few times. I am not sure if it was the normal thing to do or just Walter wanting some of the water displaced. Regardless it was fun.

My Turn in the drivers seat.

Finally it was my turn in the drivers seat. An honour I turned down. Not because I did not want to have a turn, but because I had the start of a migraine and did not want to press my luck once my vision started to flicker. I also had a problem caused by seeing all that running water! So Vicky drove us back to the office at a high speed (5 mph) with us all stressing that in these muddy wet conditions she needed to drive slower. Or to put it another way ‘AGHHHH Slow Down Vicky’

Back at the office, I pushed the camera into Dads hand and dashed for the bathroom. During the whole couple of hours, I think I took only five photographs. It is difficult to get a good shot when the vehicle you are in is bouncing in and out of deep holes, driving around various floored (wood, carpet, barrels, railway sleepers etc) and water filled obstacle tracks, dodging trees and sliding around corners.

After another cup of that excellent coffee and almost the end of David’s (who was working elsewhere) stock of chocolates we rushed off home. (Time Team started at 5pm and I naturally wanted to be home in time for that.)

Marks out of ten? 10 for a good day, 9 for the wet weather.

Both David and Walter Corr can be contacted on 02891852111 if you would like to have a go on the off-road course or hold a car launch at Clandeboye Estate. Give them a ring and say I sent you. Thanks guys.

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest
boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the
youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and
drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the
second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
home.

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that
actually occurred in Los Angeles. The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a
call that someone had broken into a store. At the scene, the cop told
the Marines to "cover" him as he approached the store (to police,
"cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to
Marines it means lay down a base of fire!). The Marines promptly laid
down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped
shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911
and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

This list will be handed to each person as they enter any of the above
states

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before
breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. How'd you like to
go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a
big guy in bib overalls?

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel
drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women
will get your butt kicked...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry
to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name
for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't
have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth
for what you paid in the airport.

9. The Jayhawks, Wildcats and Corn Huskers are as important here as
the Lakers, Knicks or Yankees...and a dang sight more fun to watch.

10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order
steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and
pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have
sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and
a long spoon.

11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice.

12. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real
impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines
that we use two weeks a year.

13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town.
We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they
want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

15. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too-and turtle. You really
want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways-35 goes the other
two. Pick one.

17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season.
It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November. You can get breakfast at the church.

18. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards.
It spooks the fish.

BY Richard A. Wright

"Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs,
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning." --Rich Cook

This was a Clean Laff joke. To subscribe go to: http://www.gophercentral.com/sub/sub-jokes.html

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"God, why aren't you helping me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"Joe, meet me half way on this one...Buy a ticket!"

This was a PearlyGates joke. To subscribe go to: http://www.cybersaltlists.org

These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."


What I want to know is did the forest service write back and thank them for their suggestion?

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he
might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just
how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First
you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than
usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a
watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and
suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." So the very next
Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were
full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take
advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he
waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain
on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and
springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took
them a week to clean up the church.

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."

Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed!"

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed the
spaceship, and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and a husband. I'm the only one who would be using Female
products.....correct? A peculiar thing was happening at my house.

Tampons were disappearing! A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. Next month I go back to the cupboard...and again...there is only one tampon left again. What's going on? Gremlins?

I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it. I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and at
the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves. I am starting to freak! What are
they doing with them?

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running
through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for major therapy?" I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet. I said "What are you doing
with those? Those are mine!"

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and
those make really good scud missiles...What do you use them for?" To which I replied: "Never Mind! Go Play!"

My cousin, a perpetual bachelor, owned one of the biggest
and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store.
I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to
visit a manufacturer and check out the merchandise himself.
And maybe he could meet an available young Italian women.

As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he
only spoke English--neither understood a word the other spoke.
So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of
a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride
in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a
restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went
to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.
They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and
had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she
motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster
bed.

He was dumbfounded. To this day he says that he's never been
able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture
business.

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one
stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple
should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by
streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take
on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to
room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."

Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful,
And more mixed-up in the head.

For sometimes, I can't remember,
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something,
Or have I just come down from there?

And I'm before the frig', so often,
My poor mind is filled with doubt,
have I just put food away,
Or have I come to take some out?

And there's times when it's dark out,
With my night cap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring,
Or just getting out of bed?

So, if it's my turn to write,
There's no need in getting sore,
I may think that I have written,
And don't want to be a bore.

So, remember - I do love you,
And I wish that you were here;
But now, it's nearly mail time,
So, I must say "Goodbye," my dear.

There I stood beside the mail box,
With face so very red;
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead!

~Author Unknown.

Happy birthday to my nephew Jordan who will be (rapidly counts on fingers) somewhere around 7 years old..I hope as that is the number on the card I have purchased at great expense.

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to over dramatize the affair. We had just
picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the G flag for the H and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty rolling the G flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to ``let go'', the lad although willing is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the ``let go'' to the third officer on the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the ``pipe'' while the vessel was proceeding at full harbor speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire
length of the port cable was pulled out ``by the roots''. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing ridge that spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degs and asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing spring down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of
that vessel.

It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the riverbed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the
underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me the actions and behavior of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records.

The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and, had to be forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my crew.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the no. 1 hold.

I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights. It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened. For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty numbers T/750101 to T/750119 inclusive.

Yours truly Master

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.
My sisters and I were looking through the family photo
album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed
in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed
us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed
you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at
the pictures in the album, "When the other four came along, I started
dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."