Monday, April 19, 2004
Tips for Managers and Bosses
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bringit to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have no where to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have no where to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
25 years ago..
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set
the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past.
Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25
years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right
after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my
room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything
is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there
anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I
replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do
with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it
dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past.
Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25
years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right
after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my
room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything
is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there
anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I
replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do
with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it
dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Monday, April 12, 2004
Gravity warning
I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a non-renewable resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree, "With the present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 22nd century." say several prominent physicists. "There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and the decrease in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects of the disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to feel the effects of vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably have to deal with the issue."
It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering, like keeping bridges and buildings weighted down, but what about sports? Breaking records for the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will grow longer and an 92-yard field goal will not be unheard of.
Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help.
We can conserve Gravity, just follow these simple suggestions:
(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2) Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like snorkeling.
(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet, keep them in one big pile.
(6) Stop flipping pancakes.
This is most assuredly not a joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the opposite of comedy. You may be laughing now, but just picture your great grandchildren wearing safety tethers and tied to concrete posts, unable to play outdoors for fear of floating away on a windy day.
Please be gravity conscious, while we still have some.
It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering, like keeping bridges and buildings weighted down, but what about sports? Breaking records for the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will grow longer and an 92-yard field goal will not be unheard of.
Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help.
We can conserve Gravity, just follow these simple suggestions:
(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2) Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like snorkeling.
(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet, keep them in one big pile.
(6) Stop flipping pancakes.
This is most assuredly not a joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the opposite of comedy. You may be laughing now, but just picture your great grandchildren wearing safety tethers and tied to concrete posts, unable to play outdoors for fear of floating away on a windy day.
Please be gravity conscious, while we still have some.
Friday, April 09, 2004
Author unknown
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.
What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both
ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on
their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a
straight-A average despite their full- time after-school job at the
local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help
keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I
was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy
they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got
it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it
up ourselves!
And there was no email!
We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters!
If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and
shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off
the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it
all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called,
they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss,
your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!!
You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and
"Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your
imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just
one screen forever!
And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster
until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front
of you, you watched his hairstyle!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20
channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...
D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK!
That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
30ish Author Unknown
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.
What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both
ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on
their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a
straight-A average despite their full- time after-school job at the
local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help
keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I
was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy
they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got
it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it
up ourselves!
And there was no email!
We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters!
If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and
shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off
the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it
all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called,
they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss,
your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!!
You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and
"Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your
imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just
one screen forever!
And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster
until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium
seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front
of you, you watched his hairstyle!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20
channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...
D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK!
That's exactly what I'm talking about!
You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
30ish Author Unknown
