Weyrlings

The following bloopers actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced at church services:


Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch, all the way from Africa.

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our church youth basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8 PM
in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

Don't let worry kill you off--let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and request tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

The minister will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church. Music will
follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What is
hell?" Come early and hear our choir practice.

Please place your donations in the provided envelopes along with the
deceased person you want remembered.

Attend the Ladies Guild luncheon and you will hear an excellent speaker
and heave a healthy lunch.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

The preacher would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

They keep telling us to get in
touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative
but I heard from it the other
day after I said,

"Body, how'd you like to go to
the six o'clock class in
vigorous exercise and tummy toning?"

Clear as a bell my body said,
"Listen fatty....do it and die."

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent
their vacation. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma
and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick
house, but Grandpa got retarded so they moved to
California and live in Palm Springs with a lot of
other retarded people. They live in a condo minimum
and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on big tricycles and wear name
tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but
they must have got it fixed because it is all right now.
They play games and do exercises there, but they
don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up
and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't
know how to swim.

At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old
man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can
escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they
go cruising in their golf carts.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff,
but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks,
they just eat out. And they eat the same thing
every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't
get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so
the ones who get out bring food back to the
wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life
to earn his retardment and says I should work
hard so I can be retarded one day, too.

When I earn my retardment I want to be the
man in the doll house. Then I will let people
out so they can visit their grandchildren.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail
addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home,you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND..............
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to
send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.


AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want too.

quote from Dave Barry


Turbulence: This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when
your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and
there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has
rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and
the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence."
Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean
water buffalo organs off the windshield. "

H.M. Smith

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts,

"Get the hell off our car!"

Two frogs fell into a deep cream bowl. One was an
optimistic soul. But the other took the gloomy view.

"We'll drown," he lamented without much ado, and
with a last despairing cry, he flung up his legs
and said "Goodbye."

Quote the other frog with a steadfast grin, "I can't
get out but I won't give in, I'll just swim around
till my strength is spent, then I'll die the more
content." Bravely he swam to work his scheme, and
his struggles began to churn the cream.

The more he swam, his legs a flutter, the more the
cream turned into butter. On top of the butter at
last he stopped, and out of the bowl he gaily hopped.

What is the moral?
It's easily found...
If you can't hop out, keep swimming around!

--Unknown

People don't really dream in color.

If they think they do, it just a pigment of their imagination.

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the
"Juneflower."

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs
and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world
population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and
he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom,
To understand a man.
Love,
To forgive him,
and Patience,
For his moods,
Because, Lord,
if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death .

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night,
face all covered in freshblood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep,
but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me" , he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went,
across a river and into a huge forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down
and all the other bats excitedly milled around him
tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES,YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody didn't"

Three soldiers had just been released from the Army. To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town.The first soldier was eating a banana."Hmmm...I wonder....if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throwit out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land.The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said,"This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land. "The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it."NOW we'll see this land." The soldiers watched again...nothing happened. After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked."Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came out of no where."The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once morethey saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. "What's the matter, Son?" "Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head." The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with the grenade," said one soldier."Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road wherethey saw an old woman laughing hysterically. "Ma'am...what's so funny?"The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I broke wind and my houseblew up.

A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure.
After months of hard sailing, his ship caught site of land,
the land to which his treasure map had been leading.
He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure,
which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.
Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp,
and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp.
Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.
It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard.
He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.
Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination!
The Captain turned to his first mate and said,
"Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

3050 B.C. -A Sumerian invents the wheel.

3050 B.C + 1 week - Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business code of ethics.

2900 B.C. - Egyptians create Sphinx, one of Seven Great Wonders of the Ancient World, but refuse to talk about it.

1850 B.C. -Britons announce Operation Stonehenge a success after arranging slabs in sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C. -The first calendar is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. -Babylonians experience winter in June.

776 B.C. - The world's first known money appears in Persia.

776 B.C + 1 day - World's first known counterfeiter appears in Persia.

525 B.C. -The first Olympics are held in Greece. Russia enters six footer with a mustache in women's shot put.

410 B.C. - Rome ends the practice of enslaving debtors, removing biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C. -The Peloponnesus war enters 27th year because neither side can find a treaty writer who can spell Peloponnesus.

214 B.C. -Tens of thousands of Chinese people complete 1, 500 mile long Great Wall. Neighbor's dog gets through.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers argue over what to call the next year.